Memorable exploit of the week

So, what would you do for an 84 year old female laying buck-ass naked on the bathroom floor. Well, help her up of course. Any civilized person would do that, wouldn't they? Or perhaps get a robe or something so she could cover up?
In I enter, after painstakingly deciphering the cryptic notes on my computer terminal on just how I am to find the key to enter the dwelling. Fumbling to find a light switch I can hear the ramblings of Jerry Seinfeld, ah...the TV is on. Calling out, announcing my presence as an "official" I finally hear a voice not coming from the tube, "In here...in the bathroom." I flinch. No, not THE BATHROOM. I close my eyes and pause. Slowly I make my way down the hall to the light emanating from an open doorway. "Police" I yell again. "In here." Desperation is heard in the voice. As I slowly peer my head around the doorway, "Oh no. NO NO NO," my brain screams.
"Are you hurt?" A normal question to ask.
"No. GET ME UP!! My neck hurts from laying here."
"Are you Hurt from the fall?"
"No. Just get me up."
"Ok. Can you wait a few seconds until another officer arrives? It will be easier for you if two people assist you getting up."
"Ok, ok. If it won't be too long," she snaps as I see the cruiser of my partner pull up.
"I'm going to go let the other officer in through the front door," I say, walking away quickly.
"Better get gloves," I tell my partner.
In we go, gloved, protected. Where are the blackout glasses from 'Hitchhikers Guide' I wonder to myself going back to that place I'd rather forget.
"Ok ma'am, we have your arms and on '3' we're going to lift. are you ready?"
"Just go, get me up," she barks.
To an upright position we get her, but she keeps her back arched back, not getting upright on her own and refusing to move.
"Stop pulling me!"
"We're not, we're holding you so you don't fall back. You're not standing straight."
As she fumbles relentlessly, grabbing my arm, letting go to grab the door frame, to clutching the cable that connects the microphone of my hand-held radio to the unit attached on my utility belt. "What's that?!?"
"It's my radio ma'am, you're still not standing, are you ok?"
"Just stop pulling!"
"We're not, you're still leaning back."
"Get me to my bedroom, I need to sit on the bed."
"Ok, which one is the bedroom? Can you stand up straight?"
"Stop pulling!"
"We're not!!!!"
"Get me to my bed!"
"Ok, can you stand up straight yet?"
"I can't concentrate, you ask too many questions. Stop babbling."
"Ok, but can you stand up straight? How do you move around on your own?" I ask, as I see a disused walker and wheelchair with many months of dust covering them.
"I need to get to my room, I have to lay down."
"Ok, we're trying." As we now start to pull, for real this time as mounting frustration grows.
"Stop pulling!!!!!"
"Stand up!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Just get me to my room!"
"OK!!!!!!! WE'RE TRYING, BUT YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" I yell.
Finally, a breakthrough, as we get her motor running and the feet begin to move, one in front of the other while still maintaining an arched back, leaning backwards of course, that we are HOLDING up.
"Stop pulling!"
"Just get in your room!"
Oops, we now made it through the threshold of the bedroom door, and surprisingly enough, I was cut off by our helpless Fraulein. Now only she and my partner are in the bedroom as I loom in the doorway watching, unable to assist.
"Get me on my bed."
Ok, I think to myself, there is only one way this can go as I see it, considering that she and my partner are side-by-side, facing the bed and no way for me to get in and no way for him to change position supporting her without letting her go.
Yes, a nice little waltz as they spin like synchronized ballroom dancers, buttocks now towards the long sought after bed. But now what, still can't let go.
Yup, my partner and her both simultaneously flop down, like a pair of newlyweds, on the bed falling slightly backwards as they land.
"Ok, anything else?" my partner blurted quickly as he lunged from the bed to about 5 feet away.
"ring...ring."
"Answer the phone."
?
Ok.......
"Alright, anything else?"
"I need a drink. Get me my drink."
"ok, here you go, here's your water. Is that all?"
"Get me some underpants, and a pad."
???????
"What?!?"
"Get me some underpants, and the pads should be in the bathroom."
Ok, well, how about the underpants then? Just rummage around and fine some I guess.
"Ok, here you go. Anything else?"
"Get these on me."
"What?"
"My underpants."
Uh, I really need to go now. "Ok, look mam, we really can't stay to help you live your life. If you think you need any medical assistance, we can get an ambulance for you."
"No, just get my underpants on. And get the phone again."
??
"Hello."
Ah, lifeline contacted her "close friend" that she has listed, maybe they can come over to help her.
"...no, she's ok but probably could use some assistance, do you live nearby?"
"New York."
?!?!?!?!?!
Nevermind.
"Ok, we're leaving now. You have your water, underpants, pad, and you're in bed. If you have an emergency and need medical assistance, call 911."
"Make sure you close and lock up the doors. And turn the TV off, I don't want to hear that Jerry person."
Gee, ok, want a cheese omelet too?

Well, you decide. Mutant or zombie?